I saw something beautiful one day while walking down Breckenridge Lane. In a front yard not far from my home, a young mother was removing a layer of leftover leaves from the fall in preparation for planting spring flowers—an ordinary activity in the middle of an ordinary day.

What was extraordinary about this scene was what I saw beside this young woman.

A tow-haired boy, perhaps three or four years old, was attempting to assist her. His rake was man-sized, his movements were far from efficient, and he was leaving more leaves than he moved. Yet, as I passed this mother and child, I heard no criticisms. Instead, I heard a constant stream of encouragement: “Daddy will be so proud of your hard work! Can you try to get those leaves over there? You know, honey, it might work better if you turned the rake over.”

If this woman’s sole goal for the afternoon was leaf removal, her best bet would have been to plop her preschooler in front of a television to watch professionally-produced children’s programs that pretend to equip children with skills for life while leaching away their capacity for meaningful relationships. If this mother had chosen this option, she could have pursued the goal of planting spring flowers far more efficiently.

But this woman had a goal that was far bigger than any flower-bed.

This woman understood that her deeper purpose on this day was not to improve a yard but to shape a soul. She was teaching her child the value of work and partnership and family structures, in addition to the quite crucial skill of knowing which side of a rake is supposed to face the ground. She was an amateur, in the best and oldest sense of the word “amateur”: a person who engages in a particular activity because of love. She most likely possessed no transcripted credential in the fields of motherhood or leaf removal. But that was all for the best anyway because no credential could develop in a child what this mother was engraving in her son’s soul that afternoon.

::InPraiseofInefficiency::

So what does all of this have to do with family ministry?

Simply this: If you’re a church leader trying to train parents to embrace their role as disciple-makers in their children’s lives, you are likely to wonder at some point, “Wouldn’t it be more efficient for hired professionals to disciple children through church programs instead of expecting parents to participate in this process? No matter how many times I encourage and equip the moms and dads, some of them don’t even seem to be trying! Even the ones that try don’t always do a good job. Why constantly acknowledge the parents as primary disciple-makers when so many of them do it so poorly? This is so inefficient!”

If that’s the way you feel, you’re partly correct! If your goal is organizational efficiency, equipping parents to disciple their children may be an inefficient use of your time, and turning over children’s spiritual lives to professionals at church might make perfect sense.

But efficiency is not the goal of gospel-motivated ministry.

The crucified and risen Lord Jesus determines the shape and establishes the goal for his church, and it has been his Father’s good pleasure to constitute his church as a conglomeration of amateurs, not as a corporation managed by professionals (1 Cor 12:4–31). His Spirit does not give gifts for the purpose of making the church efficient. The Holy Spirit arranges gifts in the body according to his will in order to make his people holy (1 Cor 12:11).

The role of God-called leaders is to encourage and to equip their brothers and sisters in their communities of faith to serve as ministers and missionaries first within their own households, and then far beyond their households (Acts 2:39; Eph 4:11–13). These processes are not likely to be quick or efficient. Sometimes, it will feel as if professionalized programs would be an easier solution, but no church program can develop in a child what parents are able to engrave in their children’s souls day-by-day. And so, despite the apparent inefficiency of expecting parents to disciple their own children, family-equipping ministers persist in their passion for training fathers and mothers as the primary disciple-makers in their children’s lives.

::ParentsasDivinely-DesignatedAmateurDisciple-Makers::

In the early twentieth century, a journalist named G.K. Chesterton offered these comments about the British and American jury system:

The trend of our epoch up to this time has been consistently towards specialism and professionalism. We tend to have trained soldiers because they fight better, trained singers because they sing better, trained dancers because they dance better, specially
instructed laughers because they laugh better, and so on and so on. … [Yet] our civilization has decided, and very justly decided, that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wishes for light upon that awful matter, it asks men who know no more law than I know, but who can feel the things that I felt in the jury box. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.

A similar statement might be made regarding the training of children to respond to the gospel day-by-day. Though professionals may certainly partner with parents in this task, such a serious undertaking is too significant to be relinquished to professionals, too profound to be befuddled by a focus on efficiency. The formation of a child’s faith is not a skill for specialists. It is a habit to be developed in the lives of divinely-designated amateurs, and these amateurs are known as “Dad” and “Mom.”

In my childhood, one of the most significant habits that shaped my soul was a single, simple pattern that required no special skills. Each night, my mother came into my room, sat on the side of my bed, and listened to me pray. What was significant about this wasn’t so much the praying, which was pretty much the same every night. It was the conversations about life that arose in the context of prayer—coupled with the fact that I had to face my mother every evening, regardless of what I might have done during the day.

At some point in early adolescence, I informed my mother that I could handle praying on my own from that point forward. I regretted my request even then, and I regret it even more now. In some inexplicable way, knowing that I would have to pray with my mother each night placed a limit on what I was willing to say and to do during the day.

Today, this pattern from my childhood marks the end of each day in the lives of each of my own children. A few months ago, when my teenager suggested that she might not need me to pray with her each night, my response ran something like this: “You know, I think you are totally able to pray on your own, and I want you to pray on your own as well. But, even though you don’t need my help to pray, I need the reminder every night that God gave you to me and that I’m responsible to guide you toward him. So, every night, I’ll still be here to pray with you, no matter what.” Since that moment, my daughter and I have had dozens of important night-time conversations that I might otherwise have missed. Is it always efficient or easy? No—but it is a right and good response to God’s work in our family.

One of these messages may have been that you cannot live in a nice home, drive a luxury car, and have lots of money while also serving the interests of Christ. This could not be further from how I feel. My desire is to caution people against feeling this kind of guilt. What the Lord has blessed you with and your standing before the Lord has absolutely no correlation and anyone who would tell you otherwise is preaching a false gospel.

Another message may have been that the American church and Trinity Presbyterian in particular are not generous. However, this is not what my heart was at all. There are many in Christ’s church in America and more specifically here in Tuscaloosa at Trinity who love their neighbors and communities in such a way that makes me stand in awe. From people who give free after school care for underprivileged children to those who provide pro bono legal and medical service to those who cannot afford it, we are on mission with Jesus! I want to encourage those of you on mission and to urge some of us to engage for the first time.

One final message is that you should not live in a good school district and that if you are currently living in one you should move out. The school districting in Tuscaloosa is an example of the corruptive force sin can have on a society. The socioeconomic divide in Tuscaloosa school districts is a symptom of a much larger problem known as sin. The only solution to sin is Jesus’s return. It is naïve for someone to think they are going to remedy the problem of sin in our community by trying to treat the symptom. One person moving out of a school district is not going to fix the systematic problem created by sin.

That being said, God is bringing his kingdom to earth and so he is going to ask all of us to be a part of that in some way. For most, it may look like being a blessing within our families and churches. For some of us it will mean being a missionary overseas. For others it will be to conduct honest business in a corrupt world. And…for some of us in Tuscaloosa it may take on other shapes and forms. Some of you have already sensed that call and have met the need in unprecedented ways. Others will be called to meet that need at some point in your life.

My heart is to say that if the Lord calls you to be a part of racial and social reconciliation in Tuscaloosa, that fear or guilt cannot be the motivator. Only Spirit-empowered wisdom and love for God’s people will be a sustainable force in these callings.

Thank you for being patient and forbearing with me as I myself wrestle through these same issues. My prayer is that the Lord continues to announce his fame through Trinity Church.

Noël and the boys and I went out to Dick and Irene Tiegen’s place last week. They have a big dog as tall as Benjamin, which greeted us with barks and growls from where he was chained. But after we were there and in the house with the dog, he was friendly. Then we went outside again and Irene gave the warning: Don’t run from him. But as Karsten was heading out to the car, the dog came trotting up behind, and instead of slowing down and petting the dog, Karsten started to run, and immediately the dog barked and growled. What a lesson in the fear of God. Irene was Moses and she says to us Israelites, the Piper family, “Do not fear to draw near, but keep the fear of the dog (the fear of the Lord) before your eyes, lest you try to run away (lest you start to fall into sin).” God is a joy to be near and a terror to those who flee. The comparison breaks down, however: Irene put the dog in the basement, but nobody puts God in the basement.

If you are running from God because you are afraid of him, then you are not yet as afraid as you ought to be. In fact, your very flight is a mockery of God, presuming to think that you could outrun this German shepherd. If you really fear him and love your own life, stop running, turn around, and hug his neck for dear life, and he will lick your face. The fear of the Lord is fear of fleeing out of his fellowship into the way of sin. Therefore the fear of the Lord is full of peace and security and hope. It keeps us near to the merciful heart of God, our fortress, our refuge, our sanctuary, our shield, our sun. Isaiah 8:13says, “The Lord of Hosts, . . . let him be your fear, and let him be your dread, and he will become a sanctuary.” A proper fear of the Lord keeps us under the shadow of his wings where we need not be afraid.

Suppose when the dog started to growl at Karsten, he stopped running, stepped toward the dog, and put his arm around his neck, and then went slowly on toward the car. And suppose I called out, “Way to go, Karsten. Beautiful. That’s just the way to do it. I love it!” What would be the effect on Karsten? It would strengthen his hand and heart to keep on going and not give up. So it is with those who fear the Lord and hope in him. There are always temptations to allure us away from the fear of God: temptations to fear financial insecurity more than we fear God (cf. Proverbs 23:17), to fear rejection by our peers more than we fear God, to fear the loss of time spent in good deeds more than we fear God. We are tempted again and again to let go of our Great German Shepherd and run after some silly poodle. Again and again we must have our hand strengthened in God. We need to hear a saintly person say, “Well done. I love the way you fear the Lord.”

It’s the end of another long day, and it’s bedtime. My kids are old enough to get themselves dressed now, and don’t really need a “tucking” into bed. Their rooms are upstairs, and I’m out back on the porch enjoying the crickets and solitude. It is often tempting to let them meander themselves to bed, turn out their own lights, and then I’ll see them in the morning.

However, in my quest to make a lasting impression on my kids, I rise from the porch and commit myself to the last consistent rhythm to each day: Putting My Kids to Bed.

There are a few things that happen every night, and a few other things that happen upon request from the kids:

The GoodBye Handshake. You’ve got one with your kids, right? It’s secret, and we practice it everyday. It’s unique to just Dylan and Dad, but don’t worry, because Dylan has another secret handshake with Mom too.

Kiss the Girl. I kiss my boys, but they never ask for it. My daughter however, insists on it. Why would any sane father pass up a request like that? I’ve heard from older dads that it won’t always be there, and that fear alone makes me rarely pass on signs of affection from my little girl.

Saying Thank You. Many nights I work to find something really excellent my kids have done on that day, and tell them that I saw it. Maybe it’s a clean room, or a good grade on a spelling test, but I always try to leave them with something I really love about their day. Sometimes it can be difficult, but it’s usually there somewhere.

Ask about Tomorrow. Anything on your mind for tomorrow? Want to pray for anything that’s coming up?

Pray. I wish I could sincerely tell you that I pray with my kids each night, but it just doesn’t happen every single night. I read once that our kids aren’t given to us, as much as they are gifted to us for a season. That being true, I always use it as an excuse to pray this prayer:

“Thank you Jesus for letting Ryan live in my house and be my child. I’ll always be grateful for the gift that he is to this family. Help me to be a father he will follow, and help Ryan grow just a little closer to you every day. Amen.”

A rhythm is something we do with regularity. Maybe it’s everyday, or every few days, but it’s something that you could set your clocks to because it will happen. It’s my goal to leverage my normal rhythms to make the investment that lasts in my kids lives.

We are a family of 5, and inevitably every few days entails Starr or I running an errand. Whether it’s the post office, grocery shopping, pharmacy, grocery shopping for what we forgot the first time, or just skattershooting around town; we spend a lot of time in the car out and about. While it can be tempting to let the kids stay at home, and do my stuff faster, I’m learning to resist that and take them along. Here’s how it works for me:

They have to want to go.|| I don’t make my kid go with me to the store, unless they just have to. I’ll tell you that if you can make the trip worth it a few times, then they’ll be begging to be with you.

Give them a job. || Always, always, always find a reason that you could use their help on your journey. Pushing the basket, carrying something into the house, or holding something in their lap while you drive there. I sincerely do need their help sometimes, and my kids have all loved feeling needed in this way.

Ask Questions. || So you want some private, alone time with that 9 year old? Here you go. The kid is buckled into their car seat and you have them with you for however long it takes to get where you’re going. I’ve talked about this many times before, but learn to ask leading questions and use the conversation to get to know these great young leaders in new ways.

Create a secret. || I’m not a huge fan of buying my kids junk at the store, as it breeds selfishness and begging down the road. However, there are times that stopping for a milkshake and encouraging them to drink it before we get home is a golden moment to a 7 year old. I’ve bought things when we’ve been out, let them start the ignition with the car key (with me behind the wheel), shift the car into reverse and drive, sit up front on a short drive, and pick their own music on Spotify from the iPhone. All of these things are “our secret” and they love it.

Be exceptionally patient. || With 3 kids shopping, it can be an unnerving experience sometimes, but with one kid I can afford to take my time, and let them figure out things on their own. Maybe this is my issue alone, but I find it much easier to slow down when only having one kid at a time on an adventure.

Here’s the real fear parents: Your kids won’t always want to go with you. I know that day is coming and it scares me to death. Join me in making the most of the time we have and leveraging every opportunity to let our kids know us and us to know them.

Deuteronomy 6:7 “Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

As a parent it can be exhausting to “find the time” to talk about what’s important. There is tremendous value in finding the time that is already there to get you started. Here is an actual nearly daily event that my family has found to be valuable.

Driving to school each morning is our first main interaction as a family.

I know, I know…we are around each other much earlier while getting ready, and sometimes eating breakfast; but we are not morning people in our house and any meaningful conversations tend to happen on the way to school.

I try not to “teach” on this car trip, as much as just remind them that I’m praying about the things that matter to them at school that day. I simply ask,

“What happening that’s a big deal at school today?”

It’s through that conversation that I can remind them how they are gifted to get through whatever their answer is. It’s also when I find out what’s on their mind in the morning, and it’s where I can speak into how excited I am for what their day holds.

It’s also on this car trip that we get to set the tone for our day. I point out beautiful sunsets, foggy meadows, and dew on the grass. I’m a nature inspired follower of God, and I get to share this with my kids each morning driving to school.

When we finally get to the end of our 5 minute drive, I always, always, always, always tell them that I believe they were made for the day they are about to have. It’s my way of coaching them into what could be a very important day for them. I’m not a rah-rah sort of dad, but why miss an obvious chance to send them off with some love?